Love Finds Cartman
by Nosfrat
Summary: When Cartman is told that being an asshole to everyone isn't the best way to solve his painful, life-ruining loneliness, he ends up actually considering being nice to people. And as a new girl moves in town, she meets him and has no idea he's pretending... Multi-chapter fic, Cartman x Wendy angst, Cartman x OC, and a bit of Kenny too. Rated T for language and mild sexual content.
1. Jacking off is more interesting

**_A/N: Okay so this is my first multi-chapter fic, and it's basically... Well I don't wanna spoil. You'll see. Cartman, Wendy, angst... The usual Candy stuff, with a twist, and an OC. Lots of swearing, lots and lots of not-so-subtle / obvious references to various games, movies and other stuff (see if you can find any and post in the reviews?) and MAYBE a sex scene somewhere._**

* * *

"I swear if you don't get the fuck off my house right now, I'll fucking disembowel you!"

A particularly angry Cartman was holding a large knife in one hand, an equally large piece of meat in the other, and was yelling at Wendy.  
"Listen fatass, I'm not any happier than you that we got this assignment to work on together but it has to be done, and I am NOT doing all the work by myself again!"  
"I'll do my part next week, just fuck off."  
"It's due for tomorrow you fat fucking piece of lard!"  
"Ay! I'm just big-boned you skinny slut!"  
"I'm not a slut!"  
"Right. Not at all."

Cartman lowered his knife and took a bite of his ham.  
Wendy sighed.  
"I just want to get good grades, can you even understand that?"  
"Nah, that's far too gay for me. Only queeflords like your boyfriend care about grades. I have far more important shit to focus on."  
"Like what? jacking off?"  
"Wendy, I'm seriously. As much as I'd like to kill you right now, I must admit that yes, jacking off is more important than school. Try it sometimes, maybe then you can go around without snapping and acting like you need a cock up yours every ten seconds."

Wendy's blood was boiling. She knew he was messing with her but she just couldn't take it anymore.  
"I'll fucking rip your-" as she lunged at Cartman, she was dead stopped by his grip on her neck.  
"I don't think you'll do anything to me, Wendy. I don't think you will do... anything."

The last word was drawn out, almost sounding sad.  
Cartman was still a fat fuck, but he was also huge and wide, standing at over 6 feet and weighing nearly 300 pounds. He could crush her throat with a single hand, and she knew it. He let go and she took a big step back.  
"Hey listen, I don't want to... fight. Just, please, help me with that assignment! We're partners for fuck's sake!"

She thought Cartman would like seeing her begging for his help, and she was right. He did.  
"Oh so you're begging me now, ho? Aw, cute. Fine I'll help you with this stupid shit, but we're doing it my way. The benefits of today's life had Hitler won the war."  
"Goddamnit Cartman!"  
"What? Write an essay about an historical event that could have had impacted today's life if it had happened differently. Isn't that what Mr. Garrison gave us as an assignment?"  
"Yes but you can't just-"  
"I can do whatever the fuck I want. Now go away before I mail your scrawny ass back to your mom."  
"You're such an insensitive fuck. One day you'll regret everything you've ever done."

Cartman was smirking. He knew exactly how to piss her off, and he was enjoying every single second of it.  
"Yeah right. Even if this was to happen, believe me you wouldn't be there to witness it."

Wendy walked out of the door, a knot in her stomach. She knew this assignment was crucial for her grades and she totally sucked in history. She NEEDED him on this, so she had to do what it takes to get him to co-operate. So lame.

"Lame."  
Cartman had just received a text message from Kenny, his best and only friend.  
"Poor piece of shit is banging everyone in the damn town, he won't even hang out with me anymore! Weak."

He threw himself backwards in his couch, and sighed. Why was she making it so hard? Why couldn't she just shut up and smash her lips against his? No, she had to act like a dumb whore only worried about her grades. He didn't know what pissed him off the most. The fact he wanted her, or the fact she didn't want him.

* * *

It had been an hour since she had left, and soon the doorbell rang.

"Mooooom! Open the door please! I'm watching Terrance and-"  
"I'm on it, honey!"

Liane opened the door, and Kenny rushed in.  
"Dude! Cartman, dude, you're not gonna believe this!"  
"Kenny what the fuck? I thought you were sucking cock right now?"  
"I was about to- hey, I don't suck cock! I... sometimes, happen to have oral sex with some dudes. It's not the same."  
"Whatever you say, gaywad."  
"Shut up. Listen dude there's this new girl in town, she's so fucking hot! And her French accent is like... Oh man, you wouldn't believe this!"  
"Kenneth. Do I look like I give a fuck?"  
"You should. When did you ever hang out with a girl? Dude, are you still a virgin?"  
"What? No way, I'm not. I got laid lots of times. Yeah."  
"With who?"  
"Doesn't matter, I've gotten laid hundreds of times, dude. I don't care about that whore, now get the fuck out of my house, I gotta write that essay about the Führer."

Kenny burst in laughter.  
"What's so funneh?"  
"I knew it! I won ten bucks!"  
"Ay! Hitler was the best man on Earth! Your ass would be rich as fuck if he had won the war!"  
"Yeah sure, and you wouldn't be fat."  
"Okay seriously now I'm getting seriously pissed, and you better-"  
"Yeah whatever man, I'm outta here. But you should calm down, you know? Maybe if you weren't so hostile toward the entire world, you wouldn't be a fat virgin. Just think about this alright? I know you're gonna kill me for this but-"

Kenny couldn't finish his sentence as Cartman stabbed him in the heart with his long ass knife.  
"Damn right your ass is gonna go rot in hell for this. See you tomorrow you poor piece of shit."

After burying his 1,678th body in his backyard, which started to more look like a war-torn wasteland than a backyard, Cartman plopped down in his couch again.

"Meh, he's talking shit, as usual. I'm always nice to everybody, it's just them... They're morons, they can't comprehend my superiority, so they're just jealous and they pick on me for having big bones and... Shit."

Cartman was a lot of things but he wasn't a fool. As much as it pained him to admit it, Kenny was right, and he was just being an asshole to everyone. He had his reasons, but deep inside he was wondering if being nice to people would change anything. He'd try tomorrow. He was more than capable of acting like a hippy faggot, after having spent 15 years with Stan, Kyle and all the other fags.

Yeah, tomorrow he'd go to school like every day (well, every day he wasn't skipping) and be nice to everyone. Even if it means he has to contain himself and then go home and kill something to relieve his anger, he'd manage to do it.

His head filled of thoughts of what could possibly happen, he drifted off to sleep.


	2. There's nothing I can't do

_**A/N: Thanks for the quick reviews! I already have large portion of this fic written, so I can post more (and longer) chapters if you guys want me to. Sorry for any grammar, spelling or otherwise plain English mistakes, as it's not my main language. Feel free to point out anything wrong so I can fix it. If anyone has a better idea for a title, go ahead and tell me because I feel the current title is pretty lame.  
**_

_**Also none of the characters have changed physically in that fic, except for the fact they're now around eighteen, Cartman is still fat as fuck, Kyle still has his messy Jew-fro, Kenny is still poor with his orange parka (though he no longer wears it in a way that impairs his speech), etc. Any actual change from the usual cartoon or fandom depictions will be detailled. Anyway, sorry for the long 'intro', onto the story!**_

* * *

Things didn't change much in South Park. Nearly ten years later, the boys were still meeting every day at the bus stop, waiting for it to take them to the school.  
"Hey, Kahl. Stan. Kinny. How are you guys?"

Kyle frowned. Stan shrugged. Kenny didn't do anything, too busy with his porn mag.  
"What's up with you Cartman?"  
"Nothing Kahl, I just wanted to know how my favorite Jew was doin' this fine morning. Hey Stan, how are you doing?"  
"Uh Cartman are you alright?"  
"Yeah I'm perfectly fine, what about you?"  
"Okay this is creeping me up... Are you the one from that alternate universe thingy?"  
"No no Stan, it's me, I'm just, you know, happy to see you guys, is all. Kinny, how's it going dude?"  
"Fuck off man I'm-"  
"Yeah I know you're watching your porn stuff, here I brought you some I had."

Cartman gave Kenny a porn magazine he had in his backpack.  
"What the fuck dude?"  
"What? I don't like porn, you can have it."  
"Why are you nice all of a sudden?"  
"I love you guys. How's Satan by the way?"  
"Uh... Well he's getting tired of seeing me nearly every single day because of you."  
"Ow, I'm sorry Kinny, won't happen again I promise. Here, want some Cheesy Poofs?"

Kyle snapped.  
"Okay dude quit it, whatever the fuck's happening to you, it has to stop now. You, offering food? Seriously, knock it off."  
"C'mon Kahl, not everyone's greedy like your people."

Stan let out a short laugh.  
"Well at least this hasn't changed."

Kyle frowned and shrugged.  
"He's planning something out, as usual."  
"Whatever you say, Jew boy. Say, Kinny, who's that new girl you were talking about?"  
"She's hot dude! Some French girl with huge knockers! You would-"  
"What's her name?"  
"I don't know, I-"  
"Yeah you were too busy starin' at her tits, I know. You never change, Kinny." he gave the smaller boy a playful shove.

The bus arrived and they all got in.

* * *

Besides the fact that all students were given two weeks of extra time for their assignments because none of them had finished, the school day went by pretty uneventfully. The new girl wasn't here and classes were boring, as usual. Cartman still managed not to beat up, threaten or kill anybody, which was an insane accomplishment for him. Though he had the violent urge to fucking destroy something when he got home.

"HOLY FUCK. I AM FUCKING PISSED!" he screamed as he slammed his fist on a wooden table, breaking it in half.  
"Eric, sweetie, is everything okay?"  
"Yes mom, I'm just... hungry."  
"Oh, do you want some pancakes?"  
"Fuck yes."  
"Don't say 'fuck', poopsiekins."  
"Sorry Mewm."

He sat down, panting.  
"God fucking damn it, how the hell can those stupid hippies be all nice and shit to each other all day long? I won't make it! It's been barely ten hours and I'm already going insane..."

He tried to calm himself down, and breathed heavily.  
"Okay I can do it, I can do it. There's nothing those fags can do I cannot do."

After watching The Passion Of The Christ twice in a row, he went to sleep without even eating his pancakes. The next day was gonna be long and painful.  
Or so he thought.


	3. Especially to curse with

_**A/N: I have no idea whether anyone read the last chapter or not, but I'm just gonna go ahead and post this one anyway seeing how boring the last one was. The plot begins here, introducing my OC.**_

* * *

"Hey guys." said a rather inexpressive Cartman arriving at the bus stop.  
"Hey fatass."  
"Kyle. I'm seriously."  
"Wow dude what's wrong with you? Are you still feeling nice and generous?"  
"No Stan, I'm just... I mean, yes, I... I don't know. Screw you, hippy." he said those last words without any anger in his voice, sounding as though he was quoting someone else. His usual self maybe?

Unlike every day since the past 10 years, Cartman was sitting at the front of the bus, leaving his three friends alone.  
"Seriously guys, what's up with him? Are you sure he's scheming something?" asked Stan.  
"Uh, well, I must admit that I don't know anymore, I've never seen him acting like that, it's like... it's like he's forcing himself to behave that way."  
"Which would mean he's scheming something."  
"No Stan, I mean... I don't know. Cartman acting like that? I don't have files on such fucked up shit."  
"You guys... I'm afraid I know what's going on, and it's mostly due to me." Kenny spoke rather uneasily, now unsure of how smart of an idea it had been to talk Cartman into being nicer. But then he'd have never thought Eric Theodore Cartman would actually listen to or consider an advice, let alone applying it.

"What did you do Kenny?"  
"Well, two days ago I dropped by his house to tell him about that new girl and he was in his usual pissed-and-I-don't-give-a-fuck mood so we ended up arguing, I told him that maybe if he stopped being an asshole to everyone, life wouldn't suck that much for him and he answered by stabbing me. But while he was busy burying or hiding my body it probably fucked with his mind and he might have ended up deciding to give it a try. Only possible reason he'd behave like that. I can read him, and he's not planning out anything. I'm sorry Stan, I really didn't think Cartman would ever actually take an advice..."  
"You're his best friend, Ken. As you said, you can read him."  
"I wouldn't go as far as using the word 'friend' but yeah... Although he kills me on a weekly basis." he smiled weakly.

* * *

The bell rang and all the students were rushing to their classrooms. Cartman had French as first class today. God he hated French and french people.  
"Fucking tea-drinking faggots." he muttered to himself.

"Okay, everyone take a seat and calm down. We are going to start today's lesson by going over some vocabulary. The French language is known to offer a vast array of different words to refer to one same thing."  
Everyone stopped paying attention after the teacher had to explain they weren't gonna be taught ten ways to say 'cock' in French. Cartman, who always had a double desk despite being alone sitting at it, was half asleep, with his large legs on the second seat. He was awoken by a soft feminine voice.

"Excuse me? I think this is supposed to be my place."  
A short, chubby, long-haired brunette girl was standing right next of him.

"I'm sorry to wake you up but I believe I am supposed to sit beside you."  
"Why the f-...rench toast... I mean, why would they give you this place? I thought no one wanted to sit near me."  
Close one. He had almost forgotten about that whole 'be nice ot people' thing.

"Why is that? You seem like a nice guy." she said innocently, her long brown hair cascading down her face, hiding her right eye.  
As much as Cartman wanted to tell her that no, he wasn't a nice guy and he would feed her her parents if she didn't get the fuck away from him right now, all he could do was nod and giggle.

She sat down near him with a large smile.  
"It is hard to make friends with people when you are new somewhere... I apologize in advance if I say or do anything that seems inappropriate."

Mother of God. He had to hook her up with Butters or something. He just shook his head.  
"So, you are that new French girl?"  
"Oui!" she said happily, her everlasting smile starting to get on Cartman's nerves.  
"Whee? What does that mean?"  
"Dude, we are in French class! Do you sleep through every class?"  
"As a matter of fact, I do."  
"Why? French is a beautiful language. Especially to curse with."

The fat boy raised an eyebrow, interested.  
"To curse with?"  
"Yes... It's like..." she took a long, deep breath.  
"Like what?"  
"Putain de connard d'enculé de bâtard de fils de pute qui nique sa race, ta mère la salope, nom de Dieu de bordel de merde!"  
"...What?"  
"Did you feel it? So smooth, so beautiful... It's like wiping your ass with silk."

Cartman just stood there, bewildered. The girl giggled again.  
"My name is Mélanie by the way. What's yours?"  
"Uh, I'm uh... Cartman."  
"Cartman? Is that your first name?"  
"No but no one calls me by my first name."  
"I want to! Please! Can I? Can I?" she started jumping up and down.  
"Eric."  
"Oh, Éric?" she said with a strong French accent.  
"Yes."  
"That's a sweet name." she said, sitting down near him. She was nearly as large as him, though he had lost some weight over the years, he was still largely overweight. He could feel her left thigh touching his right one. He could also feel twitching in a place inbetween his thighs, which didn't make him feel at ease. He tried to push himself back in his seat as far as possible.

Unhappy with the fact that he couldn't sleep through the remaining half hour, Cartman just tried to pay attention to the class, for once. He now knows a few ways to say 'beautiful' in French.  
Hoofuckingrah.

* * *

A few hours later, Cartman was sitting at the cafeteria with a huge plate in front of him and easily 3 pounds of food on it. He licked his lips before stabbing a large piece of meat with his fork, when he heard a now familiar voice.

"Eric? Can I sit down with you?"  
"Uh sure Melanie, I was just... eating."  
"Yes I saw that, you eat a lot, like me... I don't like eating with other people, they make fun of me... But as I always say, unlike them, I don't eat from the trash can."

Cartman could feel his stomach tighten. There was something about this girl, something he couldn't quite identify, something that made her presence both desirable and aggravating.  
"Yeah. Trash can bitches." he said.  
She let out a loud laugh. "Too right!"

They began eating together, while Kenny was sitting back a few tables behind with a small sandwich. He was fuming with anger and jealousy. That new girl was supposed to like HIM, not Cartman! Such large titties were his to claim! The fuck was going on?

* * *

The rest of the day went by without much trouble, except for when Kyle found a yellow star drawn on his locker with 'Jude' written on it, and attempted to kick Cartman in the nuts, only to get detention for what Cartman had reported as 'physical assault'.

Once home, Cartman plopped down in his couch as usual with a pack of Cheesy Poofs in hand, thinking about that new girl while he realized he still had to help Wendy with that stupid assignment shit. And he had to be nice to her. Or does he? Fuck. He quickly grabbed his phone and dialed up her number.


	4. The best time of my life

_**A/N: Fourth chapter, much longer than the others, and it contains some actual action! Well, maybe not the action you'd expect but action nonetheless. The next ones will contain more action, if you catch my drift...  
Way too many references in this one for anyone besides me to be able to get them all but whatever. Also, actual Candy will come, don't worry.  
I only own Melanie, and the plot. I do not own South Park, Give Me The Night, etc. (yeah no shit).**_

* * *

"Wendy?"  
No answer came.

"Wendy? It's Cartman. Eric Cartman."  
"I know it's you, fatass. I'm just waiting for you to bark at me for whatever the hell you called me to insult me about."  
"Wendy, why would I insult you? I just called you to ask you to come over my place so we could work on that assignment."  
"Uh, are you alright?"  
"I'm perfectly fine, Wendy, what about you?"  
"Okay what's the matter with you? You're never that nice unless-"  
"Unless I want to. And right now I want to. So please don't make it harder than it needs to be, I still hate you. Come over now and we can get this thing done quickly."  
"Fine. I'll be there in half an hour."

As much as he had expected a fight to break out, nothing happened. They worked together and managed to -somewhat- get along for an hour or two. She freaked out and insulted him when she realized he had been staring at her chest the entire time.

"No, I wasn't staring at your chest. I was staring at your LACK of a proper chest. You should eat more, hippy."  
She nearly slapped him. "And you should eat less, fatass. Look at you! All fat and wide and-" She was interrupted by his hand grabbing her arm, and twisting it.  
"And strong?"  
"LET ME GO! LET ME GO YOU CRAZY BASTARD!"

He released his grip and she fell backwards, her head hitting the furry carpet.  
"Ouch! What the fuck did you do that for?"  
"You told me to let you go. I did."  
"Since when do you do what I tell you to?"  
"Wendy, Wendy... You're asking way too many questions today. You're only gonna get yourself hurt. We're finished, I was daydreaming staring at what you have in lieu of a chest. You do not need to know why, nor what I was thinking about. You did most of the work, we'll get a good grade on this. Now you can simply go home and start hating me again, fully. I know I would."  
"Cartman, you-"

He interrupted her by taking something out of his pocket.  
"Here, have some of this. Candy. Not enough people enjoy candy the way it should be enjoyed. To its fullest, with no shame whatsoever."  
He handed her a pack of candies.

She looked puzzled but didn't say a word. She stuffed her books and the candies into a backpack, walked down the stairs and out of the door without a sound.  
Eric laid down on his bed, and sighed heavily.  
"Ah, tits!"

* * *

The next week went by without anything interesting happening. Cartman and Melanie started to hang out a bit, getting closer to each other and starting to appreciate each other. Neither of them knew what they really felt toward each other but they enjoyed being together. Tonight was the night, he was taking her out to some diner-karaoke-nightclub, after he heard the girls gossiping about music and how Melanie liked to sing, he decided to make a move. She accepted without hesitation.

* * *

What was he going to wear anyway? He never went out on a date... Was that even a date? Technically you could say so. He threw on a pair of jeans and a black shirt, and brushed his messy hair into a less messy mess. He hastily threw on his leather jacket, grabbed his keys and drove to Melanie's house.  
Her face was stuck against the window, as though she had been waiting for him since ages. And she actually had. When he parked in front of her house, she quickly walked out of the front door and hopped in his car without even looking at him.  
"I'm so excited! Karaoke! I've never done this before, it's gonna be so fun! J'adore chanter!"

Cartman couldn't help but smile at her gleefulness, that girl seemed like nothing and no one could take away her everlasting joy. As much as he had wanted to hook her up with Butters at first, she was now starting to affect him, and in a positive way. He felt relaxed around her. And for some reason he enjoyed her random French every now and then.

He did not say a word during the entire drive, though she kept giggling and tugging at his sleeve for no apparent reason. Cartman parked the car on a not-so-busy parking lot.  
"So, this is the place? It looks rather calm." she said, a tad disappointed.  
"Well it's a karaoke, and a diner. If people want to be heard singing, and chat while eating, they can't just blast deafeningly loud music."  
"Hm. Maybe you're right. Let's get inside! I'm hungry. Are you hungry? We can have a nice meal!"

For the first time in his life, Cartman was actually going to eat, without food being his main focus.  
The doorman checked them both.  
"Mister... Miss? I'm sorry, the girl can get in but you need a tie, sir."  
"A tie? What the hell for? I'm just hanging out with a friend, we're not gonna-"  
"I'm sorry sir, those are the rules. Please go away now or I'll have to call security."

Cartman took a step forward.  
"Hey listen, motherf-..." he snapped, and stopped himself for what felt the sixty-ninth time today. He had no idea how Melanie could stay oblivious to his many fuck-ups, but he wasn't about to complain. Brushing back a strand of hair, he calmly spoke.  
"Uh, Melanie, can you please go back in the car and make sure I haven't forgotten to turn the heater off?" he said as he handed her his car keys.  
"Sure Eric, I'll be right back!" and she started walking back, toward the large parking.

The large teenager cracked his knuckles.  
"Listen, fuckface, you're gonna let me in, unless you want your dick cut off and mailed to your parents."  
The doorman looked straight into Cartman's eyes. He could see that he was dead serious. South Park was a small town, and he had heard rumors of what a certain fat boy had done to the last person who had repeatedly refused to give him what he wanted. Not willing to take any chances, he reluctantly accepted to let Cartman in without a tie.

"Eric, I'm here! You have no heater in your car! And anyway it would have been off because the engine and everything was turned off, you even had the keys! Are you always so airheaded? Or is it because of me?" she giggled. The boy started blushing.

"I don't know. Maybe."  
"Maybe what?"  
"I don't... I'm too hungry. My brain is working in slow-motion, I need some food." he patted his belly, and she did the same.  
"Yeah me too, let's go see what they have. I hope they have some good fromage..."  
"Fromage? What's fromage?"  
"French word for cheese. It's a specialty of ours."  
"Oh? Well then let's hope they don't have... I mean, they don't have... uh... they don't have too many customers so we're sure to have some for ourselves."  
"Oh Eric you're so sweet! Tonight's gonna be fun! Look at that huge discothèque! And the lights, and the scene! I wanna sing, now!"  
"Calm down girl, we're gonna sing but first I gotta get something to eat. C'mon, I'm offering you a nice dinner."

She practically jumped in joy.  
"Yeah! You're the best, Eric!"  
"Uh... You too?" was all he could manage to answer. He was glad she was always too cheerful to even pay attention to what he was saying because this one totally fucking sucked. Not that he was used to hear people complimenting him, but he still could have done better than that.  
"Can you sing well?" she asked.  
"What?" asked Cartman, almost forgetting why they were here in the first place. "Oh, I... kind of. A few years ago, I released an album with a couple of friends. Sold a few copies."  
The memories of his failed attempt at getting platinum were still bitter and painful.

"Can you sing one of your songs tonight? Please? Please please please!"  
"Nah it's not good, plus I don't think they'd have it anyway.  
"Oh... What kind of music do they have here?"  
"I chose this place for a reason, besides the fact it's the only place like that in town, I also chose it because they play mostly rock and metal."  
"I like that. I wanted to play guitar when I was younger. I also wanted to get a piercing but my mom says I can't until I'm eighteen."

Cartman glared at her. He was imagining her cute, round chubby face with a little diamond shining right below her lower lip. He was pressing his own lips against hers. He was in heaven. He was-

"Eric!"  
Cartman snapped. "What?"  
"Are you alright? You're drooling!"  
"Oh? Oh, I mean, yeah, it's on purpose. It helps evacuating the excess of saliva so vocal chords can function better."  
"Really? Wow, you know so much about so many things!" she said, with a huge smile.

She was so gullible and naïve it was barely believable. But Cartman was a master of deception, so used to manipulating people and tricking them into believing the unbelievable, that he wasn't fazed by her reaction. Still, he couldn't help but think she somehow was 'forgiving' him on purpose.

They sat down at a nearby table and a waitress came to take their order.  
"I'll have two pepperoni pizzas. With extra cheese, and a laaaaarge soda." said the girl.  
"Make that four." Cartman smirked.  
"Where are the other two people?" the dumbfounded waitress asked. Cartman rolled his eyes.  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot that you people enjoy cold food, straight from the trash can. But we don't. We know what's good, we keep it real. And what's more, we can eat our food while everybody else is losing theirs, and blaming us."  
"Uh... Okay? Any drinks?"  
"Two glasses of rosé. And make it ice cold."  
She shrugged and walked away, unsure of what he had meant earlier, if he had meant anything at all.

* * *

"Damfch, tfhis pfiztfah is gfood!" said Cartman, spitting some of it everywhere. Melanie was both surprised and amused by his childish attitude.  
"You know Eric, I've never met a boy like you. It's like, you enjoy life, you like everyone, you don't care about what people think of you, you're just being yourself... I really love that."  
He almost choked on a slice of pepperoni. After swallowing, and wiping his lips wish the back of his hand, he thanked her and stood up, claiming he really had to use the bathroom. She nodded and took a large bite of her second pizza.

Cartman kicked the bathroom door open, unaware and uncaring that he was on the ladies' side, and looked at himself in the mirror. He fucking screamed in horror. After a girl came out of a closed toilet and he told her to fuck off, muttering something about skanks and PMS, he regained his composure and analyzed the situation.  
"She's damn sure I'm being myself. Me, Eric Cartman, being nice to everyone and never caring about what people think of me. I have no ego, no pride, I'm just being myself and she loves it."  
A slideshow of every sticky situation he has even gotten himself into in the past 15 years or so flooded his mind, along with many of his murders and other evil schemes.  
"This one's gotta take the cake! And I'm starting to FEEL something for that bitch! And she doesn't feel anything for me. Well, she looks like she's falling in love with that fucking hippie I'm prentending to be, but she'd absolutely loathe everything about the real Cartman... Goddamnit!"

Meanwhile, Melanie had almost finished her second pizza and was looking around. Behind here stood a slightly elevated stage, with a mic and a prompter. The room contained at least forty people but no one had taken a chance at singing yet, she hoped Cartman would be the first. But then he looked a bit shy... She wished he could love her. She cared about him, a lot, although she had known him for only about a dozen days, she could feel he was special. She didn't know how special he really was though...

After a few minutes, Eric came back and sat down, engulfing the second half of his first pizza.  
"Damn girl! You eat faster than me!"  
She grinned at him and put her hand on his hand. Cartman was feeling blood rush to his cheeks, he had to do something. Quick. God never liked him but...

Lost in his thoughts, he hadn't noticed a familiar guitar riff that had started playing. He quickly stood up, painfully swallowing whatever he hadn't fully chewed up yet and jumped on the stage, grabbing the mic. The song had already started and although only the instrumental part was playing, he quickly picked it up.

"_Still the same tempting voice in my mind,_  
_Losing grip on it all_

_Carry on through the endless lies,_  
_'Cause I can't see a reason why_

_Give me the night!_  
_Let me be me for one last time_  
_A prisoner of myself lost in disguise_

_Just give me the night_  
_Still living in a twisted dream_  
_There's no tomorrow for right now will be_  
_The best time of my life!_"

The guitars started blasting again and Cartman looked around him, panting from the effort it was for him to sing that high, and during digestion. About forty pairs of eyes were watching him with various expressions. Some amused, some displeased, some... excited? Nah, his mind was playing tricks on him. He wasn't a bad singer but there was no way in hell he'd get pussy by singing, let alone in some crappy mountain town nightclub.

Melanie quickly joined him.  
"I love this song! Eric please, let's sing it together!"  
As an answer he grabbed hold of her hand.

The entire room was watching them, most people were looking pretty entertained.

"_Hammering, sickening, torment and pain_  
_Blind ambition to poison my brain_

_Cheating, lying, begging, stealing day after day_  
_For the one final dose I won't be saving_

_Pure darkness consuming my life_  
_Don't wanna die here alone_

_Walk away from reality_  
_Got a date with the enemy_"

He tightened his grip on her hand, and looked at her straight into the eyes.

"_Give me the night!_  
_Let me be me for one last time_  
_A prisoner of myself lost in disguise_

_Just give me the night_  
_Still living in a twisted dream_  
_There's no tomorrow for right now will be_  
_The best time of my life!_

_The best time of my liiiiiiiiiiiife!_"

As the bridge and solos started playing, the two teenagers looked at each other, wanting nothing more than kissing the other but afraid of it being a one-way urge. They just stood there, doing nothing.

"C'mon fatty, get off the stage!" a loud, annoying male voice barked.  
"Hey, I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!" yelled Cartman back, not even caring to scan the room for whoever said that.  
"I'm talking to the girl! Get your ugly ass off the stage, you fat cow!"

Cartman's body was tingling. A strange and unpleasant sensation was taking over his common sense. A foreign feeling, something that told him it was okay to be insulted, he was used to it and deserved it at times. But this same feeling was also dictating him that anyone who insulted Melanie had to be punished. Hard.


	5. A plate to the throat

_**A/N: well, nothing much to say here. Pretty short chapter, last one before shit really happens? Intense Candy incoming, ETA chapters 6-7.**_

* * *

He jumped off the two-feet ledge and glanced around the room, searching for the source of the upcoming trouble.  
"Come on just get the fuck outta here! This ain't whale night!"  
His eyes locked on a tall, lanky, dark-haired man visibly in his mid-thirties. He walked up to him.  
"Say that to my face?"  
"Fuck off fatass, and take your fat skank of a girlfriend with you. You're ruining music."

Cartman took a deep breath and clenched his fists.  
"I don't know if I ruin music but I'm sure as hell gonna ruin your motherfucking FACE!" as he screamed the last word, he brutally punched the dude in the face, breaking his nose. The victim, stunned by the force of the blow, managed to hold one hand to his now numb nose, bleeding profusely.

"What the fuck did you fucking do that for? I'm gonna kill you you little shit!"  
Cartman was amazed by how calm he managed to remain, despite the extreme anger rising into him. The man grabbed his plate and attempted to hit Cartman with it, but the fat boy just broke it in half by swiftly blocking it with his large forearm. Before he knew it, the aggressor was being choked by Cartman who was ridiculously fast despite his bulk. He held a large broken piece of porcelain near his attacker's throat.

"One move, one word, and I fucking skin you like the worthless piece of shit you are. Do not, EVER, fucking disrespect her. Ever again. Or you won't live to enjoy whatever sick pleasure it might bring your fucking scrawny, anorexic, redneck piece of shit white trash ass to pick on random people who happen to see food as more than a survival item. Now get out of here. Right now. I don't care if you didn't finish eating, I don't care who's with you, I don't care if you get hunted down for not having paid, you just get the fuck out of this place right now. Either willingly, in one piece. Or I help you... piece by piece." he said sadistically as he drew a line of blood into the man's lower jaw with the broken plate. The poor victim did not scream, too scared Cartman would finish him off.  
Anyone who knew the boy also knew that he wasn't one to be fucked with, but those who didn't, quickly learned what they needed to know by simply looking at the fire in his eyes. His anger was like a burning inferno that nothing and no one could extinguish until its source was utterly destroyed.

Once Cartman released his grip and the man ran out of the club, screaming and crying, he realized that everyone was looking at him.  
"What? Stop fucking staring at me you goddamn hippies! Mind your own fucking business!"  
The people quickly turned their eyes back to their food, family and friends.

Eric was sweating, and he could still feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins. Melanie clung to his arm.  
"Why... Why did you almost kill that poor man?"  
Cartman could not answer. He was not ready to admit whatever he had to admit, and he hoped he didn't have anything to admit anyway.

"Why, Eric? Why? Because he insulted ME?"  
Taking a deep breath, Cartman managed to answer. "Yes."  
"You defended me? Oh my God..." she wrapped her arms around his neck and nudged her head below his chins, clenching him as hard as she could.  
Her hair was smelling like... He didn't know, but it was intoxicating. He could feel the adrenaline rush die down, and the blood that had previously rushed to his face and muscles, rush to a totally different area of his body.

After finishing their meal and singing a few more songs, they decided to go home. He dropped her off at her place, and kissed her softly on the cheek.  
"I really like you Melanie, I spent a really good evening."  
"Me too Eric, it was so fun and you were awesome! No one had ever stood up for me... It was so romantic."  
"So uh... Good night? I'll see you tomorrow at school."  
"Yeah, good night. I..."  
"Yeah? You?"  
"No... No, nothing, see you tomorrow. Bye Eric."  
"Bye Melanie."

She watched him drive away and when she was sure he was out of hearing range, she looked down and whispered. "I think... I love you."

* * *

Cartman was feeling weird. Not happy, not sad, not... Not anything he had ever felt before. Deciding not to care, and deciding that he didn't eat enough, he grabbed a pack of chips in the kitchen, and sat down on the couch, watching TV. His head shot up when his phone started to ring. He had a text message.

"Best time of my liiiiife. I wish you'd have given me the night... Thanks for this wonderful time, Eric. :)"

Cartman stared at his phone, in a mix of joy and disbelief. She'd actually have wanted to spend the night with him?

"I had a great time too, but there's a tomorrow, and it's saturday. Wanna go eat together, like, get some ice cream or something tomorrow?"

He hoped she'd say yes, though deep inside he just knew she would.

"Sure, I love ice cream! 2:00 PM at Shakey's?"

"I'll be there. Good night Mel, have sweet dreams."

He wanted to add "sweet dreams about me" but he didn't want to scare her. Something told him he was going to get into trouble if he rushed it. Even if he didn't, actually... Life's never been too kind to him. And he was far from being safe against one of his usual fuck-ups, though she might not care if he doesn't act hostile toward her.  
He drifted off to sleep, thinking of how enjoyable it had been to defend her. It had made him feel... useful. It was a foreign yet wonderful feeling.


	6. Screams

_**A/N: nothing to say about this chapter, except maybe more references that NO ONE, and I mean **_**NO ONE**_** (besides me) will get. Sorry, I just had to.**_

* * *

Melanie woke up late this morning, and her wild dreams had made her bedsheets quite messy. She groaned and got up, then walked into the bathroom. She sighed when looking at herself in the mirror, naked. She wasn't that fat though she was barely 5 feet, and while she hadn't stepped on a scale in a long time, she knew for a fact she was certainely not far from 200 pounds. She looked at her large E-cup breasts. If only Eric could find her attractive...  
"Maybe he does... Who am I fooling? But then why did he defend me? Maybe he just wants to get laid... No, he's too nice for that. Maybe... Putain." she cursed as she entered the shower and let the warm water drown out her thoughts.

A few hours later, she was in front of a café, waiting for Cartman who said he'd be there by 2:00 PM. It was 2:06. She turned her head as she heard a booming voice echoing from down the street.

"Get out of my way you hippies! Fuck off! No trees here, go look elsewhere for a hug! Goddamnit move it you skank!" shouted a familiar fat boy while trying to make his way through a large crowd of people on the sidewalk. He immediately stopped swearing when he saw Melanie, and walked up to her, trying to calm down.

"Hey I'm sorry I had you waiting, I had to finish something. Working on that stupid assignment..."  
She kissed him on the cheek while cupping his head with one hand.  
"You didn't have me waiting too long, don't worry. Let's get that ice cream! Are you hungry?"  
"I'm always hungry."  
"Alright, let's go, bitch!"  
"What?"  
"Nothing, nothing, just some poetry I read."  
"What's up Eric? Are you joking with me?"  
"No, no, don't pay attention, it's just... I'm a little... tense, is all. I've been working on that assignment with Wendy for the past two weeks and she's getting on my nerves."  
"What's wrong with her?"  
"I don't know, we're always fighting over random stuff."  
"Fighting? But you're like, the nicest guy I've ever met."

Cartman rolled his eyes and sighed.  
"You know, I'm not... Who you think I am. I'm just..."  
He couldn't admit it. Not now.  
"I'm just... an average guy. I'm not as awesome as you think."  
"Yes you are!" she grabbed his hand and dragged him inside.

They ordered two large cups of ice cream with chocolate and whipped cream, and started gossiping about the boys and girls at school. If Cartman had been told one day that he'd be having such talk with a girl, while casually hanging out, he'd have had a heart attack from laughter. And there he was, agreeing that Bebe was dressing up like a slut and Red should dye her hair blonde.

"Say Eric, what do you think about Wendy?"

And now there he was, asked about his long time crush, by a girl who had a crush on him. So weak.

"Well, she's a nice girl but she has a temper... She's very... passionate, about things. She's a hippy but, there's something redeeming about her. Not sure what, she's just..."  
Realization hit him. He was about to spill the beans.  
"Well I don't know, she's hard to read."  
"Is she hard to write?" joked Melanie.  
The whole place started to rumble, and a young male voice came out of nowhere which a thick French accent:  
"You have no idea."

Not far from them, Wendy and Bebe were sitting at a table, enjoying a large pot of chocolate ice cream. Both pairs were completely oblivious to each other's presence.  
"Come on Wendy, why do you make such a big deal out of working with Cartman? Just show some tits and he'll be far more docile, believe me."  
"Shut up Bebe. Really, I love you, you're my best friend but, I'm not like you when it comes to 'that'."

The truth was, she had a huge crush on Cartman and nothing would hurt her more than having him see her as a potential one-night stand.

"C'mon, he won't jump you anyway, the guy's a virgin! He'll just be drooling and silenced until you're finished working, 'cause I assume you're doing everything on your own anyway right?"  
"Not far from it."  
"See. Hey Kenny!"  
"Hey Bebe."

Kenny was a waiter in the café since a few months, trying to help his parents pay their bills and various fines. Whoring himself out was too straining and degrading, even though it was easy money, Kenny had prefered to get an actual job.

"So, what's it gonna be for those two beautiful ladies?" he asked playfully.  
"Heh, we're nearly done with the ice cream, doubt we have any empty space left. Bebe?"  
"I'm full, thanks." she patted her flat belly. "But... I'll have a cup of tea."  
"A cup of tea? You serious?"  
"I like tea. It makes me horny for some reason."  
"Bebe, come on. You don't even have a boyfriend currently, do you?"  
"No, but it's easier to get a boy when you're horny, they feel it. It's like-"  
"No, you know what? I believe you. I don't wanna hear about it."

The blonde waiter laughed, making a mental note to try and screw Bebe later, when his eyes averted on other tables, and he caught sight of a familiar figure.  
Cartman. With a girl.

"What the fuck?"  
"What is it Ken?"  
"Nothing, girls. I'll be right back."

From where they were sitting, the girls couldn't see Cartman's table.  
Kenny walked up to it.  
"Oh, hey, Kinny!"  
"Hey fatass. What you doin' here?"  
"Kinny, I am big-boned. Now please, would you mind bringing us more ice cream? We're starving."  
"You're starving? Right. You have enough fat reserves to feed an entire third world country for a month straight."  
"Hey who the fuck do you think you are? Don't talk to him like that!" Melanie snapped.  
"It's alright Mel, my 'friends' are like that, always ripping on me. Nothing serious, I do the same too. Don't worry, it's a guy thing."  
"Really? Because if he bothers you I can-"  
"No, no, don't worry."

"What can you do?" Kenny inquired.  
"I can kick your scrawny ass!"  
"Hm, why not? BDSM with a fat chick, could be interesting. I'm always up for some new things to try out!"

Melanie looked away in disgust.

"Eric, I cannot believe you would be friends with such a... freak."  
"We're just... you know, we've known each other for nearly 15 years now. We're past that."  
"Still, this guy is disgusting."  
"Kinny, your presence offends her. Please leave before I kick you in the nuts."  
"Whatever you say, fatass." he left, fuming.

As he brought Bebe her tea, he couldn't keep his eyes off Cartman and Melanie.  
"Here's your tea... Fucking hell." he stormed off. "Why the fuck would that girl want to be with HIM rather than with me? Goddamnit!" he half-screamed to himself.

The two girls looked at each other, wondering what he was talking about. They then caught a sight that startled the both of them, though for very different reasons.  
They saw Cartman sitting with the new girl, each with a huge fucking cup of ice cream in front of them.

"Fuck me. Is that Cartman with a girl?" giggled Bebe.  
"No, it can't... It... No way. He must have paid her to accept to come with him."  
"Or he offered food."  
"Or he..."

They were cut off by a sight that made Bebe squirm in disgust, and Wendy scream, before bursting into maniacal tears of rage, sadness and utter disbelief.

A few minutes earlier, Melanie had dropped some of her ice cream on the table.  
"You suck girl!" laughed Cartman, though she knew he was just messing with her.  
"Let's see you do any better!"  
"Watch this."

Cartman brought an 'overloaded' spoon to his mouth, and didn't spill a single milliliter of it. After managing to swallow it, he grinned.  
"See? I'm better than you."  
"No you're not!"

She took an even larger spoon, and proceeded to engulf half of it, the other half spilling on the table and dripping down her lower lip and chin.

"Ah, merde!" she yelled, half-laughing.  
"I told you."

She tried to reach for the ice cream on her chin with her tongue but it wasn't long enough. Cartman laughed at the sight.  
"Want me to help you out?"  
"How?" she asked suspiciously.  
"Well..." he stood up and leaned on the table, facing her. "Like that."  
He slowly brought his tongue to her chin, softly licking the ice cream off her soft skin, and trailing his tongue up to her lower lip, where he lingered before swiftly pulling off, hearing ear-piercing girly screams.

They suddenly saw Wendy running out of the café, shouting obsceneties.  
"That motherfucking bastard! Fucking... Satanist, useless piece of shit! Wanker, faggot, cocksucker!"

"Wendy?" muttered Cartman to himself, unaware of her presence until now.  
"Wow." said Melanie. "She's really mad about some dude."  
"Now you see what I meant when I said it was aggravating to work with that girl?"  
"Yes..." she was blushing. So was he. He couldn't believe what he just did, but Melanie didn't seem to mind.  
"It it tastier this way?" she asked.  
"What?"  
"Is it tastier on me, than in the cup?" Cartman was blushing hard.  
"Sweeter."  
She giggled louder than ever. "I'm glad you enjoyed it, 'cause I sure did!" she took his hand, and ran her fingers up his forearm.

Bebe watched the whole scene before snapping back to reality (mostly due to her rising nausea) and running after Wendy, totally forgetting to pay.


	7. Sounds like anal to me

_**A/N: finally, actual Candy. This chapter might be cheesy and somewhat OOC but Wendy is ridiculously hard to write... especially when you're a guy. Anyway enjoy, and please review? D:**_

* * *

Cartman went home, feeling almost happy. He had no idea why or how this girl was getting to him but she clearly seemed to like him, and he was really starting to like her back. However he couldn't shake off the thought of Wendy, and especially her spazzing out in the café. Who was she talking about? Who the fuck could have pissed her off so much all of a sudden? Only HE should be able to make people, especially her, that mad. He had to finish that goddamn assignment anyway so, time to call her. He dialed up her number.

Dring.  
Dring.  
Dring.  
Dr- "Hello?"  
"Sup ho?"  
She instantly hung up. Cartman was taken aback by her reaction but he tried again nonetheless.

Dr- "I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO TALK TO YOU YOU BACKSTABBING PIECE OF FAT SHIT!"  
"What? Hippie what the fuck are you on?"  
"You perfectly know what I mean. Fucking bastard."  
"No, I don't. Why don't you get your scrawny ass over my place so we can finish that stupid assignment already?"  
"Oh so that's it? Because I'm not fat? Well I'm sorry I don't eat my own weight in sweets and snacks at every lunch, I'm truly and deeply sorry I don't. Screw you Eric. Fucking screw you. SCREW YOU!"  
"Jesus what's wrong with you?"

She had already hung up. What the FUCK was going on? He thought. So he made her that mad, apparently, but what did he do? As far as he could tell, he hadn't said anything about no stupid whales, trees, or skanky feminists and breast cancer.

"God. She'll have had strained me to the very fucking end." He took his jacket, threw it on and walked to her house.

* * *

Wendy's mom opened the door.  
"Oh hello?"  
"Hello Mrs. Testaburger, could I see Wendy please? I need to talk to her."  
"You are... Cartman? Eric Cartman?"  
"Yes, Wendy and I were assigned a project to work on together for school and it's due real soon, we have to finish it. I think there's been a misunder-"  
"MOM, FUCKING KILL THAT ASSHOLE!" a shrieking voice came from upstairs.  
"She's really angry at me and I have absolutely no idea what I've done." for the very first time in his life, Cartman was really honest while saying that. He really had no idea.  
"Oh... Wendy! Don't talk like that! Your little friend needs you for that school project."  
"He can fuck off and die. So can you. ALL OF YOU!" by now she was starting to cry. Mrs. Testaburger sighed.  
"Eric, what happened? I know you don't really have a reputation for being a good person. What did you do to her?"  
"I swear, I don't know! Yes, usually I piss people off for fun and fuck them over, big time. But I didn't do anything this time! This is also why I came here, because she hung up on-"

A loud bumping sound was heard, followed by a series of screams and cracking noises. Cartman looked inside the house and so did Wendy's mother, only to find her daughter on her back, down the stairs after a long fall. She was crying and clutching her left hip.

"Oh my God! Wendy!" her mother shrieked.

Cartman was left heartbroken by this sight. He still didn't understand what he had done but his repressed feelings for Wendy quickly resurfaced when he saw her like that, in pain. He literally pushed her mother aside and entered the house.

"I'll take care of her, my dad's a doctor, he taught me things." that was probably the lamest thing he had ever come up with, but he didn't give a fuck. Whether Wendy's mom had bought it or not, before any of them knew it, he was walking up the stairs with Wendy in his arms, bridal style. As much as she wanted to punch and kick him, she didn't have the strength to. She didn't even move as he laid her on her bed, and sat beside her.

"Wendy, what the hell has gotten into you? What did I do? Usually I do everything I can to piss people off, and you know it, but this time I swear to Hitler I have no idea what I did."  
"You... you fucking... backstab... asshole..."  
"Sounds like anal to me."

She suddenly found the strength to sit up and punched him square in the face. He clenched his sore nose. "What the fuck was that for? Goddamnit it hurts!"

"That was for everything you've ever done to me. Everything. Every time you failed to realize it. All of it. Get out of my house, you've done enough... I don't, EVER, want to see you again. I hope you fucking die!"

Cartman didn't move.  
"Listen ho, I don't have the time nor the will to put up with your shit so you're just gonna tell me right now, right here, what I've done and what the fuck THIS was for." he said, pointing as his slightly bleeding nose.  
"Are you so fucking blind? You can't see it?"  
"See what?"

She tried to slap him though he blocked her arm and brought it back to her side, pinning it down.  
"You've hurt me already. Now don't try that again. Just, tell me what's wrong. Please, tell me. What happened in the café?"

The thought of that scene nearly made Wendy throw up. She knew she wouldn't ever be able to eat ice cream, ever again.  
"I just..."

She couldn't tell him. She couldn't tell him she loved his fat, racist, dangerous, selfish psychotic ass.  
"You just what?"  
"Nothing... Nothing. I can't.  
"Ho you're not making this any eas-"  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!"  
She grabbed his neck, and smashed his face against hers, locking her lips onto his, holding tight onto his neck, moaning like it would be the only time she'd ever kiss him. And it probably would. He didn't kiss her back, too stunned to even process what was going on. She pulled back after about 30 seconds, and looked at him.

"I've been in love with you since fucking years. And you're just... dating that fat chick. That's what you did. You hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me."  
Wendy knew better than to expose her weaknesses to Cartman, or give him a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment, but she just had to be honest with him on this one. She'd been repressing her feelings for way too long now. She had to let it free.

"You... I... You mean, you... I... Why... But I... W-what?" he managed to say, recovering from the kiss.  
"You perfectly heard everything I said."  
"If you said you were in love with me, yes I did."  
"Please Cartman, I beg you, don't push it... It's hard enough as it is."  
Cartman smirked. "Damn... You hippies really aren't all that bright, eh?"

She attempted to slap him again, but he just blocked her, grabbed her forearm, pinned it down beside her hurtinghip, and brought his lips on hers. He slowly caressed her thighs and licked her lips, prompting her to open her mouth. It was ridiculously relieving for the both of them. Years of painful loneliness and sexual tension relieved in the blink of an eye, bliss and happiness overwhelming whatever bitter feelings were left by the time their tongues were dancing together.  
When he finally pulled out, he looked at her in the eyes and said "I thought you'd have figured it out by now, but I've been in love with you for years as well. But no, you were so blind and oblivious, thinking I just hated you..."

Wendy brushed his face with the palm of her hand, her eyes filled with emotions and shining with suppressed tears.  
"You're... No, you're lying. You love that French girl, not me."  
"She's a nice girl, I was starting to enjoy her company. But I had to. I had to do whatever it takes to forget you, Wendy. You were driving me crazy. I couldn't take it anymore, being alone and having you hating me so much... Or so I thought. I just couldn't stand it. When I saw that girl starting to like me, I saw my only opportunity."  
"So all this time you've been actually trying to hurt me to forget how much you loved me?"  
"Don't throw your personal experience on me!" he said with a fake grin. She forced a smile.  
"Eric... I can't believe it. I just..."  
"How's your hip?"  
"Oh, it... It hurts. Kinda. It'll be okay, nothing's broken."  
"Well, let me take a closer look at it."

He lifted her and slipped her skirt down, stopping at her ankles when she gave him a quick peck on the cheek. He turned back looking at her, and blushed.  
"What was that for?"  
"Well Eric, when you take off a girl's skirt, you shouldn't expect her to just stand still and not do anything."  
"Ay! I'm just checking your hip, I'm not... I mean, it's not sexual. I'm not rabidly ripping your clothes off so I can..." once again, he found himself daydreaming.  
"So you can... what? What could you possibly do to me, Eric?" she asked in a playful tone. He, being his usual self again, took it as a challenge.  
"More than you could ever dream of, ho. Wanna see a sample of my might?"  
"Now that's the Cartman I'm used to. You're so full of yourself."  
"Soon you'll be full of myself too." he started laughing uncontrollably at his own joke.  
"Eric! Don't rush it." though she was laughing with him, she didn't want him to behave that way.  
"You're the one who's laying on her bed, skirtless, resting your legs on mine, and roaming your hand on my chest." God, she didn't even realize it. She quickly withdrew her hand.

His smile faded into a more serious expression.  
"It's alright Wendy, I won't rush you. I've been loving you since so long, I guess it won't hurt to wait another couple of... months?"  
"Weeks?" she proposed.  
"Days?" he said in a challenging tone, a smirk forming on his face.  
"Hours?" she asked, trying to hide her grin with a cute, innocent face. His smirk widened and he kissed her again.

"So, what is there left to do anyway?"  
"What?"  
"I mean, the assignment. Most of it is written, isn't it?"  
"Oh, yes. We just gotta write a conclusion. I can do it, don't worry."  
"You were really jealous back there?"  
"...as much as I want to say yes, I won't because your ego is big enough as it is."  
He hugged her tight. "I can't believe I'm in love with a hippy."  
"And I can't believe I'm in love with a fat, self-centered neo-Nazi who-"  
"Ay! I'm not-"  
"Yes I know, you're not fat. You're big-boned."  
"Damn right I am." he said, pointing at his crotch. She blushed and he laughed.  
"Eric!"  
"What? You wanna play that game, I can play too. You know, I-"

He was interrupted by the ringing of his phone. He took it out. It was a text message from Melanie, reading:  
"Wanna come to my place tonight? Parents are out... :p"

His smile died, replaced by a concerned frown. Wendy noticed it, and bent over to read the SMS.  
"That... Fucking WHORE! You're mine, no way I'm gonna let you go see her."  
"Ah don't worry, I won't. I just want you, not her. But she's gonna annoy me now..."  
"Did you force yourself to act nice and all around her?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Kenny told me about what you're doing since like two weeks."  
"Oh..." he made a mental note of killing him later.  
"Well if you did, you can just start being yourself again. It should scare her away." she laughed.

Cartman considered it.  
"I'm not sure. Listen, I'm gonna go see her tonight, and settle things down. I'm gonna explain her the whole thing, you, me pretending, and all."  
"I don't want you to go see her. What if... -something- happens?"  
"Nothing will happen, Wendy. I guarantee you."  
"I just... I want to be with you."  
"Me too, don't worry. I just gotta sort things out with her. Hell I'll hook her up with Kenny, I think he's got the hots for her."  
"Dude! As much as I hate her for nearly stealing you away from me, she doesn't deserve that!"  
"Aw come on, Kenny's a nice dude."  
"Not for a girl, he's not."  
"You don't know anything about guys."  
"And you don't know anything about girls."  
"Oh yeah?" he grinned, and she could feel another sexual innuendo coming up, as well as his hand on her back, bringing her closer to him.

After making out some more, they realized it was nearly 8 PM.  
"Shit, I guess I'm gonna have to go." said Cartman.  
"We'll see each other at school tomorrow anyway."  
"Yeah I guess... Say, Wendy, aren't you supposed to be Stan's girlfriend?"

Wendy's mind went blank. She had totally forgotten about Stan ever since she saw Cartman and Melanie getting along.  
"No, I just... I mean, you know, he... He's just a friend, really. Tonight you and I went farther than he and I did in 10 years."  
"Oh... That's good to know." he smirked yet again. She blushed.  
"Don't worry about him, I'll explain him... We haven't even seen each other outside of school in weeks. Besides, he and Kyle should totally be dating. Don't you think?"  
"Hey, I always said they were buttbuddies. No one ever believed me. Well, except for Kenny but you know how he's like."  
"Yes I do... Speaking of him, if you're really gonna go see Melanie tonight, bring him too."  
"Nah, it wouldn't be-"  
"Eric, do it. Please do it. I don't want her to try anything on you. And Kenny would deadstop anything either of you could try if he does have the hots for her."

Cartman didn't answer, instead he took his phone and texted to Kenny.

"Hey you poor piece of crap, you free tonight? I might have something for you."

"Fatass. What's that?"

"Big fat French titties."

"What?"

"Meet me at my place in an hour."

You could trick Kenny into eating dog shit for 5 dollars. Getting him to follow you, knowing he might get some action, was so easy it wasn't even funny.  
Eric smiled to Wendy, showing her the messages.

"I feel sorry for that girl... But I shouldn't. Anyway thanks Eric, I still can't believe we... We're dating, right?"  
"You bet your hippy ass we are!" he kissed her on the cheek.  
"Eric!"  
"What? Oh." he smiled, and kissed her deeply, caressing her hair.

"Wendy, sweetie are you alright?" her mom's voice came from behind the door. She pulled away quickly.  
"Uh yes mom, I'm fine. We were just working, we're done, Eric is gonna go home. I'll be down there for dinner in a few minutes."  
"How's your hip?"

She looked at her hip, and then at the large hand that was softly caressing it.  
"I don't feel any pain anymore."  
"So Eric did take care of you?"  
"Yes mom, it's alright."  
"I sure did, Mrs. Testaburger." yelled Cartman, trying his utmost best not to laugh.  
"That's nice of you, Eric. Thanks."  
"Holy shit, my mom just thanked you? Wow." they both laughed.


	8. A date with the enemy

_**A/N: Actually this is the last chapter. A LOT of things happen. I'm not too happy with how this turned out but I'm not unhappy either, considering this was my first multi-chapter fic, and the first time I had to 'end' a story somehow (most one-shots don't need proper endings).  
Enjoy and please, review. :3**_

* * *

Later that evening, Cartman was watching TV when the doorbell rang. He went to answer it, and a familiar, skinny figure stood in the doorway.  
"So Cartman, what's this all about?"

The larger boy pulled Kenny into his house, threw him on his couch and explained him the whole story.  
"You gotta be fucking kidding me, dude. You, and Wendy? Like, that's like... You're fucking joking, please, tell me you are."  
"Ay, don't take it that way! And that means Melanie's free now!"  
"Oh. Right." he seemed to think this through. "But why are we going over to her place?"  
"I gotta explain her the situation. And if she does like me, she'll be disappointed, and you can cheer her up. Just, avoid sexual stuff and don't be your usual dirty, perverted self."  
"You're asking me to behave like you did those two weeks?"  
"If I did it, so can you."  
"You got a point, but... Shit... Them titties better be worth it. Are they?"  
"I don't know, dude. I didn't get that far with her. And Wendy has like, no tits. Well, less tits than me anyway. Not that I went that far with her, either."

Kenny laughed.  
"Apart from Melanie, and maybe Bebe, you have the biggest tits in town, Cartman."  
"Kinny, I'm totally seriously. If I didn't need you tonight, I'd so kill you right now."  
Kenny shrugged. "Whatever you say dude, let's go."

* * *

About half an hour later, they were both at Melanie's house. Cartman knocked at the door.  
"It's open, come on in!"  
Cartman and Kenny shrugged, and pushed the door open. Melanie was wearing a silky nightgown, sitting on the couch casually, with a bowl of snacks in front of her.  
"Hey Eric, I was... What the fuck? Why did you bring him here? He's-"  
"He's my best friend, Mel. I need to tell you something."  
"Tell me what?" she was starting to feel worried.  
"Well... Kenny, could you explain her? As much as I hate to say that, and although I'm currently with the only two persons on this Earth I would allow to live after hearing that, I don't wanna explain her because it's gonna hurt her. I, Eric Cartman, am afraid of hurting someone's feelings. Fuck, I said it. Damn it I'm completely fucking OOC now. Fucking Wendy."

Melanie looked at him in disbelief.  
"What are you talking about?"

Kenny sat down near her.  
"Listen girl, there are a lot of things you don't know about Cartman. A lot. Whether those things will change the way you see him or not is up to you but you have to know."

The two fat teens listened as Kenny laid down 16 seasons and 10 fictional years worth of tricks, manipulations, murders, and other things that would make anyone want to put as much distance between them and Cartman as possible.

"So when I told him that he should be nicer, I really didn't expect him to even listen to me, let alone actually do it. Because Cartman's such a sadistic, egocentric asshole that he-"  
"Wait a minute." Melanie stopped Kenny.  
"I didn't mean to insult him, what I meant was-"  
"First you insult him in the café, and now that? What kind of a... friend are you? That's not true, Eric is a good person, he'd never do anything you mentioned! Besides, he-"  
Cartman stopped her, sat down and sighed.

"Melanie, he's telling the truth. I only pretended being nice for the first few days, and I quickly went back to being an asshole whenever you weren't around."  
"If that is true, why pretending around me only?"  
"Because you seemed to like me... Or, you seemed to like what I was pretending to be. I didn't want to..."  
"No... It can't be. I mean, I... No, Eric, you're a nice person. YOU'RE A NICE PERSON!" she got up, her voice raising dangerously.  
"Kenny you fucking asshole, why'd you tell me all that? Even if it's true somehow, maybe I didn't fucking want to know? You ruined it all! You BASTARD!"

She started walking toward Kenny, waving a fist in the air threateningly. She was about to hit him when he blocked her and backed her up against the wall.  
"Stop it, Cartman asked me to tell you all of this, it's not my fault!"  
"You're lying! And his name is not Cartman, it's ERIC!" she yelled as she tried to slam her knee into the poor boy's crotch. But, due to her short stature, she only managed to hit him in the thigh, making him lose balance and stumble backwards, hitting the sharp corner of a table.  
He fell to the ground, clenching his left hip.

"That. Fucking. HURTS!" he panted, wincing in pain.  
He got up and grabbed Melanie by the collar, insulting her. As a fight was about to break out between them, Cartman stepped in and tried to separate them. The fat girl threw a wild punch in Kenny's direction, hitting him in the shoulder. He tried to punch her back but he tripped on a thick carpet and and fell face first on the ground, impaling himself on a large wooden spike that was had magically appeared out of nowhere.  
An eyeball resting on top of the spike that pierced his skull was all that Melanie and Cartman could see as his lifeless body was already being dragged away by rodents.

Cartman sighed.  
"Sometimes it's really like God wants him to die right fucking now, and there's nothing anyone can do to prevent it. Here goes my-"  
"OH MY GOD, DON'T STAY THERE! CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE! CALL A-"  
"What?"  
"Call am ambulance! Quick!"  
"For what? He's dead."  
"But... But you-"  
"Hey, hey, chill the fuck out, alright? It's Kenny, he dies all the time. He'll be back tomorrow."  
"...what? What are you talking about? We gotta get him to a hospital!"  
"Believe me, tomorrow morning he'll be at the bus stop like nothing happened. He died hundreds of times, everyone in town is used to it, go ask anyone, you'll-"  
"BULLSHIT!"

She started to cry. Cartman sighed again.  
"Listen, as fucked up as it might sound, he's immortal. He cannot die. Whenever he does, which is pretty much weekly, he always comes back to life the day after like nothing happened. Once we even saw him shoot himself in the head just so he'd respawn in his bed, not having to walk back home. I swear this is the truth. As much of an asshole as I am, he's still my friend, if he was -really- dead, I would at least react, if not from sheer surprise. I wouldn't just stand there telling you all this casually."  
"But..." she wiped her tears. "Is he... how does... I don't understand anymore..." she started crying again.  
"It's South Park you know, there's nothing to understand, really."

Cartman sat on the ground near her and put an arm around her neck.  
"He'll be back."

She didn't answer, instead she stood up and walked to a nearby ironing table, and jumped on it, sitting there.  
"What are you doing up here?"  
"I like sitting there for some reason... Come with me? Please?"  
"No way, we're gonna break it! Together we weigh like, 500 pounds?"  
She frowned, and shrugged.  
"Doesn't matter if we do break it."  
Cartman rolled his eyes, stood up too and jumped on the table, sitting near her again. She grabbed his hand and leaned her head against his shoulder, and fell asleep within minutes.  
The fat boy couldn't move, he didn't want to wake her up.

* * *

She woke up on her own a few hours later, and instantly started crying again. Cartman, who was asleep by now, woke up startled.  
"Wow, what's wrong?" he quickly remembered the evening. "Oh... I mean, come on, he'll be there tomorrow, I promise you."  
"Eric..." she said, still sobbing.  
"Yes?"  
"I... I want to tell you something."  
He nodded as to tell her to go on.

"I... Je t'aime."  
The large boy raised an eyebrow. "What?"  
"I don't care whether what Kenny said is true or not, I love you. I'm in love with you, Eric."  
"Oh... You're seriously?"  
"Yes, I'm seriously."  
"Well, I..." though he should have seen that coming, he wasn't prepared for it. All he could do was kissing her, a kiss she gladly returned with much intensity. Cartman ran his hands across the chubby teen's back, hugging her tightly and kissing her with passion. His mouth trailed down from her lips to her neck, letting a string of saliva drip down her chin. He continued to kiss every inch of her body, softly caressing her large breasts. He eventually jumped off the table, and while still caressing her, he parted her legs and planted kisses on her inner thighs. As Melanie threw her head backwards, and bucked her hips forward, Cartman's tongue started to explore her most intimate area, bringing the both of them new strange, yet exciting sensations.

After nearly half an hour of intense pleasure, Eric withdrew his tongue, looked up at her and smiled. She returned the smile, bent over to kiss him passionately, and grabbed his hand.  
"What do you say we go to my room now? So we can get some real sleep, or... Something else?" she blushed.  
"Hey, I'm not gonna decline such an offer." he said, laughing. "Let's go."  
He picked her up bridal style and walked her up the stairs, into her room. His back felt like it was about to break, having to carry both his own weight, and the girl's. But he didn't care, and laid down near her, slid below the blankets and kissed her. Melanie fell asleep within minutes, still shaken from her recent orgasm. Cartman was looking at her softly and gently stroking her hair. He had to protect her. To keep her from ever losing her happiness and naïveté. He ended up falling asleep shortly afterwards, his thoughts drifting off.

* * *

The rays of the Sun brushed against Melanie's face, shining with a mix of dried tears and saliva. She slowly woke up and reached for Cartman, whose body heat kept her warm all night. She cuddled against him until he woke up. He stirred, looked at her sleepy face, and planted a soft, loving kiss on her lips.  
He suddenly sat up and screamed.

"Wendy! Fuck! Wendy!"  
"What?"  
"OH NO! FUCK, NO! FUCKING HELL! WENDY!"  
"WHAT?"  
"WEEEEEENDYYYYYY! NOOOOOOOOOO!"  
"WHAT THE FUCK?"

* * *

He felt a sharp pain in his left cheek, nearly knocking him out. Everything went blurry. He shook his head, trying to make up his surroundings. Melanie's bedroom suddenly seemed much larger, and the walls were painted a different color. He wasn't naked anymore. He looked at her. Neither was she... She appeared to have lost a good 80 pounds, took about 10 years and had long raven hair cascading down her thin shoulders and flat chest...

"What's wrong with you, fatass?" asked 28 years old Wendy Testaburger to her fiancé Eric Cartman, who seemed to have just awoken from a particularly intense nightmare.

His jaw dropped as the 'recent events' flooded his mind.

"Hey Cartman, are you alright?" she asked. Regaining his composure, the man realized it was all a dream. It felt so extremely real and vivid... but it was just a dream. Or rather, a nightmare.

"I'm... Wendy? Oh my God, ho! You believe it! I just had the most fucked up dream ever."  
"I can see that... Wanna tell me about it?"  
"Well I... WE were back in high school, during those times we started dating, and I somehow ended up dating Melanie!"

Wendy blinked.  
"Did you fuck her?"  
"Uh... Kind of. I mean, no. I was well on my way to doing so, but I woke... I mean, YOU woke me up before."  
"You're lucky that I really love you, and you're REALLY lucky that I'm lying down in a way that my foot can't reach your crotch, 'cause I'd totally kick you in the nuts right now."

They both laughed and kissed, as a relieved Cartman began to have morning sex with an amused Wendy, unable to shake off the hilarious thought of a teenage Cartman nailing their best friend's wife.

* * *

_**A/N: HA! Didn't see that coming, did you? Well, mostly I didn't have any ideas on how to end that story, and I just couldn't come up with a decent Kenny x Melanie 'plot' (and there was no way in hell I'd let Wendy down) so yeah, here it is... Hope you all enjoyed it. Constructive criticism is much appreciated.**_

_**Also the 'sex' scene is a literal transcript of something that happened to me four years ago, only with Melanie and Cartman as the protagonists. And without the details obviously, as I wanted to stay in the T-rating.**_

_**Anyway, enough of the trivial ranting, no one gives a shit about my life, onto the story! Oh wait, it's over? Well, not exactly... There's one bonus chapter, with all the references I used and some other trivia about this story, and about me writing it, as well as a potential plot for my next SP fic, if anyone is interested, please tell me what you think of it. D:**_


	9. Epilogue (list of references)

**_South Park references will (obviously) not be listed._**

* * *

The scene where Melanie curses in French is a reference to a scene with The Merovingian in The Matrix: Reloaded.

* * *

Most of the lines involving 'cold food', 'trash can' and the likes, are references to Big Smoke in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.  
There are other minor references to this game.  
("I'm always hungry.", "Let's go, bitch!", "Just some poetry I read", etc.)

* * *

The scene where Cartman gives Wendy some 'Candy' and tells her to enjoy it is an obvious reference to their pairing in the South Park fandom.

* * *

"Ah, tits!" is a (really minor) reference to Nick in Left 4 Dead 2.

* * *

The scene in the café where Melanie asks jokingly if Wendy is hard to write, and then the place starts to rumble and a voice comes out of nowhere, answering "you have no idea", isn't a reference in itself, but a small fissure in the fourth wall, allowing me to rant about how I'm having trouble writing Wendy, while keeping her in character. Seriously she's incredibly hard to write. Maybe because I'm a boy, I don't know...

* * *

Wendy's string of insults as she runs out of the café ("That motherfucking bastard! Fucking... Satanist, useless piece of shit! Wanker, faggot, cocksucker!") is possibly the worst 'reference' ever, as it comes from a random video of some weird meme, 'Uncle Dolan'.  
(YouTube ID of said video: JtuYvYsWPQI)

* * *

The scene where Kenny explains Melanie everything Cartman has done during 16 seasons and 10 fictional years, while not a reference in itself, is me fucking a hole in the fourth wall, so I included it here for the sake of completion.  
More fourth wall fucking with Cartman saying he's OOC.

* * *

Cartman telling Melanie that Kenny will 'be back', is a reference to The Terminator, and Arnold Schwarzenegger in general.

* * *

Give Me The Night is a song by the extreme power metal band DragonForce, from their 2012 album 'The Power Within'. It's an absolutely amazing song for anyone who likes power metal and I highly recommend you to check it out.

* * *

Kenny's death in the last chapter was somewhat inspired by Cooke's death in the movie Commando.  
I know the wooden spike randomly appearing out of nowhere makes no sense whatsoever but then, isn't it the same in the actual show? Most of Kenny's deaths are about as random and senseless as this one.

* * *

_**A/N: And... I think that's about it. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and made me want to continue and finish this story.**_  
_**I have an idea for my next South Park fic, but I haven't started writing it.**_

_**Basically, the plot would be...**_  
**Cartman wants Bebe as a girlfriend, but she's a notorious slut. When he tells her he could bring her the love she needs, she laughs at him and tells him to fuck off, as she's very happy with only sex. He then comes up with a plan to cripple her emotionally, to show her that she DOES need love.**

_**Cartman would be somewhat OOC but I'd be interested in that particular pairing, what do you guys think about it? Leave a review! :3**_


End file.
